chocolate peacock

out of the loop...

2009-12-03T12:02:00.001-08:00

OK, so I'm obviously a little bit behind on the whole which-singer-did-something-crazy-on-tv-that-is-getting-them-shunned-by-everyone thing....even though I'm certain someone else has done worse.

So I come across an article about all of Adam Lambert's upcoming tv appearances being cancelled. So I do a little googling and see that Adam Lambert kissed a dude during his performance...and had some dude fake giving him a bj...among other questionable actions these were the two most talked about.

I'm here to say, what's the big flippity deal? Britney, Madonna & Christina made out on live tv, in a similar situation...and people thought it was the coolest dang thing since pre-wrapped sliced cheese...so right there there is absolutely NO grounds for the kiss to be any big deal. Besides, I saw the pictures, and I'm not completly convinced the keyboard player was in fact male.

As for the fake bj, have you ever watched ANY of Britney's performances? The entire thing is one huge orgy, I've seen her 69 some hot dude in leather as part of dance moves....I've seen her get gang raped by lots of hot dudes in leather, and seen what appears some hot dude in leather pretending to give her some "oral stimulation." Queue every other skanktastic pop artist's performance...they're all about sex.

I think the real issue at hand is the fact that it was two dudes. People are afraid of gay like it's the plague, or a wild bear who's babies were just killed and she hasn't eaten in 3 years and you just rubbed raw meat all over your body and you're standing 2 feet away from each other - - - and it's the most f*cking rediculous thing ever. Grow up. I can find you a million other things that can actually harm you to be afraid of.

Dolly Parton

2009-10-31T00:21:00.000-07:00

It is a proven fact, and I can say this because I have officialy done the research, that when you are the designated driver (ie no more than a few drinks and none after 10 p.m.) that it takes twice as long to get to 2 a.m., and 2 a.m. is MUCH later than usual.
Don't get me wrong, I had a blast dressed up as Dolly Parton. Blonde wig, tight jeans, high boots, significant clevage, got to budge in the karaoke line quite a few times....but there's something about sloppy, icky, drunk boys who think they're really hot getting all up on you that's different when you're not also sloppy drunk. Something, well, rather creepy. Something that makes me take a shower when I get home instead of clumsily falling into bed half clothed and waking up at 10 the next morning wondering what the hell that smell is then realizing it's me.
I am all about being the dd once in a while....(and as Dolly, I get to be DD :)), and I really did have a blast with my pregnant nun friend and her priest boyfriend and my other pirate friend and her flasher boyfriend....and I had an even bigger blast singing karaoke and knowing I was actually on key (because I was sober enough to hear myself).
And to end my wonderful night, I know everyone got home safe and sound, and I was left with the words ringing from the one not sloppy icky boy at the bar "Trish made me forget everything I believe in tonight....damn" ohhh those words boost my self esteem like no one could ever understand. :)
Alas, I bid thee farewell.

Glad I'm not THAT guy...

2009-10-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm surfing the interwebs (as my dear friend Jeremiah would say, and I kinda like his smooth yet scruffy style, and therefore am going to imitate, which they say is the highest form of flattery, when it's not plagiarism that is)and I come across a story about a gentleman who at one point was riding high as the founder of what is supposedly the largest Internet gaming company in the world. He now however, is not doing so hot, due to undisclosed reasons that I can only assume include multiple inappropriate rendezvous with a certain "young, beautiful and naive" intern who thought having a relationship with the big man on top would move her up the totem pole but lied and said he forced her to do it when confronted...but like I said the reasons were undisclosed...so anyway, he's sold 75% of his stock and plans to sell the remaining 25% (hey, he can do math too!) in the near future.

Well, besides the likely mishaps that caused his demise, the poor schmuck probably only has a future career in dirty Internet pornographic endeavors, considering his name is Anurag Dikshit. On second thought, people probably finally came to the realization that they could not take anyone with the name "Mr. Dikshit" seriously and ousted him. Cause that's what I woulda done if I were there.

snow, seriously? I hate winter.

2009-10-10T00:35:00.000-07:00

It has been 2 months and 3 days since I posted last. I suck at life.
But that's beside the point, because I'm posting now. And you know what is happening now, that sucks even more than me....it's snowing. It is October 10 and it's flipping snowing.
I don't really remember ever seeing summer, let alone going through fall and now all of a sudden it's winter. I am seriously not ok with that.
I should have been a Mexican. So I could live in the carribean part of Mexico, where it's warm all the time, and where cold is 60ish degrees. There's hurricanes and sharks and shit, but it's warm.

In other news....it's snowing. And it's seriously making me depressed.
That and it's 2:42 a.m. and I have this strange desire to clean out my closet. I pretty much feel like a lunatic at this point, but those 2 five hour energy shots I took are really working....quite well in fact....
I'm sure I'll be a little disgruteled in the "morning" when I want to go to bed but can't because I have stuff do to....but that's the price you pay for taking 2 five hour energy shots, at 11 p.m.

And since I'm seriously ADD'd out from all the caffeine and lack of sleep, I'm going to go find something productive to do...like clean my bathroom.

Really? Chill out people

2009-08-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOODNESS...the world might just end...what else could you possibly do without Twitter for one whole day?!
Seriously, I'm sick and tired of hearing about how some hacker shut down Twitter the other day because they wanted to stop one person's tweets.
It was one day people. You will survive one flipping day without tweeting about what you're doing or eating, or your political agenda.
Get over it, go outside or something, but for Jeebus' sake, STOP clogging the news headlines with stupid, boring, pointless articles about it!

Customer Dis-service

2009-08-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me how inconsiderate and/or un/mistrained and/or just plain stupid some people are.

My friend Nikki's kids had a birthday party this weekend. I asked Nikki what to get them, and we got to talking about how expensive the fancy birthday cakes are now-a-days. I had one of those moments where a light comes on and a chorus sings "AHHHAAA" in the background - I was trained how to make all those fancy cakes (and I did a pretty dang good job at it I might add) at Cold Stone...so to save Nikki money and avoid her headaches by giving her kids some lame toy, I offered to make them the cakes they wanted.

I know how to bake, but I remembered that we used frozen sheet cakes at Cold Stone and they worked really well because they're level and dense and yummy. So I called Grocery Store with a Bakery #1. I won't use names to protect the identity and reputation of the rest of the store, which I've not had an issue with in the past...just the bakery.

Bakery Kid: "uh, this is the bakery"
Me: "I'm looking for frozen sheet cakes"
Bakery Kid: "for what"
Me: "I'm having a birthday party and I want to make a theme cake that you don't have the license for, so I want to just by the cake part from you"
Bakery Kid: "so you just want the cake, like with no frosting or anything"
Me: "yeah, can I buy that?"
Bakery Kid: "let me check"
*overheard him asking another bakery person "this lady wants to buy just cake, can she do that?"
Other Bakery Person: "uh, I guess, like what kind"
Bakery Kid: "what kind do you want"
Me: "just white or yellow"
Bakery Kid: "ok, hang on"
*overheard him asking another bakery person "she just wants plain white cake"
Other Bakery Person: "well we don't have the frozen kind anymore, we make them here now"
Bakery Kid: "we don't have the frozen kind anymore, we make them here now"
Me: "that's fine, how much are they"
Bakery Kid: "$68"
Me: "$68 for just plain cake?!"
Bakery Kid: "yeah, well we have to charge you the full amount even if we don't spend time or use the stuff to decorate it"
Me: "ok, well let me check a couple other places and if I can't find what I'm looking for I'll call back" CLICK

yeah, like I'm going to call back, and pay $68 for plain freaking cake when for $2 I can buy a box mix and make one myself.

So, I make a phone call to Grocery Store with a Bakery #2:
Me: "Hi, I'm looking for a frozen sheet cake, just the cake. Do you have any that I can purchase?"
Bakery Lady: "Well we have them, but I can't sell it to you in case I need it for a cake order."
Me: "Well then can I place an order for a cake...one with no decorations, just the cake?"
Bakery Lady: "No, I need the cake for if someone places a cake order."
Me: "I just did place a cake order."
Bakery Lady: "No, you want just plain cake."
Me: "I'll pay the full price for it, but I just want plain cake."
Bakery Lady, obviously getting annoyed: "Look, I can't sell you just plain cake, ok."
Me, obviously more annoyed: "And I obviously won't be shopping in your store anymore since I can't place a cake order for cake." CLICK

I sorta fail to see why I can't place a cake order without frosting. I mean, you can order pizza without sauce or cheese or toppings and the pizza place will gladly take your money. Heck at Cold Stone we were trained to pretty much sell the shirt off our backs if someone wanted it.

So at this point, I'm getting a little irritated. So I hope that Grocery Store with a Bakery #3 can help me out:

Me: "I need a frozen sheet cake. Do you have them."
Bakery Man/Woman?: "I don't think we can sell just the cake."
Me: "Can I place a cake order then with just cake, no frosting or decorations?"
Bakery Man/Woman?: "Well think it's against our health rules or something to sell just cake."
Me: "I'm pretty sure it's not, I've worked in food service - making cakes to be specific - and if you can't sell me just the cake, why could you sell me the same cake but with frosting on it."
Bakery Man/Woman?: "Well, let me as the manager."
7 minutes later
Bakery Man/Woman?: "My manager isn't sure how we would charge you for it."
Me: "so does that mean I can't buy it?"
Bakery Man/Woman?: "Um, I guess so."
Me: CLICK

Ok...so I get the not being sure how to charge me for it - because obviously the full price for just the cake part is a little rediculous....but the rest...I just don't get it. How are these places staying in business by refusing to sell their products? HELLO, I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU MY MONEY!!!!

I am seriously going to have to become completly self sufficient or I might lose my mind.

OH...and for those of you who have worked retail before, and have had some unreasonable demands....I've been there! Believe me, I've put up with more than my share of stupid customers...but I can guarantee you, ordering plain cake, from a bakery, is NOT an unreasonable request!

what the f***

2009-07-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

I would like to think I'm sort of a movie buff, thanks to my dear husband Travis.
So when I opened up the internet only to see a news slug line reading:
"G-Force topples Potter at box office"
you can only imagine I wondered:
"G-Force...I never even saw any previews for that movie. It must have been directed by someone really good. Or had really good actors.....oh wait, if it had really good actors or a really good director, I'm sure it would have been advertised. Maybe it was really loved by the country of China and everyone there went and considering they're like 1/3 the world's population and when you covert their currency into American dollars it is a lot. I better click on the link to see what it was."

And that's when I saw it.

The movie is about talking, super crime solving guinea pigs, who have access to the kind of technology that is locked away in sector 71 or 57 or whatever other sector the government has hidden it in.

And that's when I said, out loud, "what the f***."

I mean, at least Harry Potter is kind of believable. People could be able to do magic. Talking, super power guinea pigs with access to stuff even the prezzo doesn't know about, not so much.

To my continued disbelief, the article went on to compare the movie to the likes of "Mission: Impossible." Now, I know Mission: Impossible isn't the greatest movie ever, (but really liked the scene when the dudes are in the elevator shaft and the one sticks the red side of the gum to the green side of the gum, says "hasta lasagana, don't get any on ya" and then the whole thing blows up)but Tom Cruise was significantly less creepy and well still pretty good looking when the first move was made. But for real, I'm not sure it is kosher to compare the two. That's like comparing Free Willy To King Kong.

My next instinct was to read a few of the comments about the article. I found them to be just as shocking. I'll indulge you:

countrygrl65 Message #5
07/26/09 05:11 PM I'm told I look like a guinea pig... cruel people out there, some of them need to look in a mirror. :)

ralpiggy Message #8
07/26/09 05:52 PM Dear Countrygrl65,
If someone told you that you look like a guinea pig, please take it as a term of endearment. Guinea Pigs are cute, cuddly, sweet, gentle, and extremely lovable creatures. They are fun and non-judgmental, and will listen to you without any complaints. Our Guinea piggies have to listen to me all the time when I complain about stuff, and they just sit there and calm me down.
And, if you go see this movie G-Force, you'll see that they can also be Super Heroes as well, and save all of the humans of the world from destruction.
So, the next time someone says you look like a Guinea Pig, say Thank You!

Um, yeah. ralpiggy - get a freaking life and see a shrink, not your guinea pigs. countrygrl165....considering you can't spell girl, and people have actually said you look like a guinea pig, I can only assume your mother is your sisterauntcousin and you live in a tree stump in the forest of some southern state and when you smile your toothless grin at your cousin Bubba Joe-Bob in a sexual sort of way that dueling banjoes begins to play, you probably DO look like a guinea pig.

Please excuse my while I Listerine my brain.

I sorta failed - but that won't stop me!

2009-07-20T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well I failed mini goal #1 - to post everyday. So it's going to just stay a mini goal!

As for #2, I sort of completed it - I bought lots of fruit and ate mostly raw for the week (except for this weekend when I was at the Lakes with the family and we ate out) so I didn't have much package waste...but I did start cleaning out cupboards and stuff in an attempt to de-clutter and had some stuff that just had to go.

And #3, yep, finally de-furred the legs...come to think of it, I'm a bit cold...

So for this week:

#1 continue de-cluttering and sell as much stuff as I can. I'm saving for a trip for my good friend Nikki's 30th birthday to Vegas. I'm hoping I can come up with all the cash using only "extra" sources of income. I also like the feeling of not storing stuff I don't need/use - especially if it's something someone else can use - it's a win win situation!

#2 keep eating mostly raw / vegetarian. I feel really energetic, my skin has been much clearer, I get to eat a lot more in quantity, which makes me mentally and phsically feel fuller and helps with the fact that I eat when I'm bored. I definately don't feel guilty eating 2 or 3 pieces of fruit - where as 2 or 3 candy bars....EEK! I've even noticed that meat doesn't sound very good...and it's so much more work to prepare!

#3 keep staying positive! I've finally begun to leave work at work...a huge accomplishment for me. this past week actually wasn't all that bad. Sure I had a lot to do, and had a lot of stress, but I've been telling myself I am only one person, and if I know I am working as hard as I can, that is all that matters! If someone is upset with me because I didn't get everything done, or didn't do it how they wanted me to, then I've been asking for their help. I delegated a number of tedious projects onto others, and found they quit hounding me and I was able to get the more important things done in a timely manner and with better quality. I still really want to be doing something else, something more important that will actually leave a lasting impact on someone's life, but I will just have to keep searching and waiting for that "thing" to come to me!

#4 learn a new song on the piano. I bought a beautiful Mason & Hamlin baby grand - one worth FAR more than I paid...and I plunk here and there, but I've forgotten many of the classical songs I used to have memorized. I did learn a Michael W. Smith song and have been playing and singing it...it's so relaxing and makes me so happy to listen and play and sing. I've got lots of lyrics jotted down too, so I'd really like to get some music to them. I always dream about recording some of my stuff, and sometimes I feel like I'm wasting good talent by not just taking the time to do it...even if it's just for personal satisfaction.

mini goals

2009-07-13T18:34:00.001-07:00

In an effort to 1) boost my mood 2) blog more 3) better myself & the environment I live in and 4) entertain ya'll I am going to start posting "mini goals." I'm going to try and stick with daily and weekly goals - mainly so I can actually acheive them and realize I've done so thereby exciting me to continue setting and meeting them.

Mini goal #1 is to remember to keep posting my mini goals.

Mini goal #2 is to reduce the amount of trash I make. The average person produces about 4.4 pounds of garbage a day - and as much as I hate saying it, I probably fit the norm. Nearly everything we buy is in some sort of disposable container. To met this goal I have already been using my "green" waterbottle and I make every attempt to purchase things in packaging that is recycleable and/or biodegradable. We also started a compost pile at the beginning of summer.

Mini goal #3 is to shave my legs more often. Au natural might be all the rage in some neck of the woods - but my man-like, or more chewbacca like fuzz has to go!

I have lots more, but I'm going to try and withhold them and not worry about trying to do everything at once - small steps!

4 score and 7 years ago

2009-07-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot I existed, it's been so long since I've written.
I have absolutely nothing of importance to say....work still sucks, it's July and we've had approximately 3 days that I would consider "summer" weather, I sang a Jesus song at my grandma & grandpa's "wedding" for their 50th anniversary, Amy bought me a huge peacock poster that I'm turning into an art project/wall hanging, and Liam started talking in sentances.

In other news, MJ croaked...I'll have to agree with Mr. Graves on this one - yeah he was pretty much the shiznit 20 some odd years ago, but how can someone with a prosthetic nose and who knows what else really function much longer than he did.

In other other news, my arch nemisis Billy Mays also kicked the bucket. Now I do feel slightly guilty, seeing as his poor bearded family is now without their screaming father/husband, but from all other accounts, I no longer have to brace myself during every commercial break in anticipation of being yelled at.

And I'm spent...hasta lasagana.

blogging and other nonsense

2009-06-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to have the insightful insightfulness to write things that captivate my audience (which at this point is 2 followers - one of which I'm not sure really follows....wait no, 3, one of which I'm not sure really follows, and one of which doesn't have an account to prove they're following my occasional rants) but I just seem to lack the consistant ability to really enthral those few.

It is especially high on the suck-o-meter when you have friends who can write and have brilliant ideas (and jobs that allow them to "work" whist blogging, facebooking, surfing the interwebs and otherwise not really work). (If I understood the whole * and numbering footnotes thing, Jeremiah, you would have a footnote here, but instead you get an akward parenthesis.)

So to combat the ill feeling I have about my sucky blog, and sucky job, I decided to get drunk on a Monday night. Yes, 6 (maybe 7, I'm not really sure, I kinda lost count after 4..) Captain and Diet Cokes may have not been the wisest choice I've ever made ~ but I can pretty much guarantee it makes for one of the most interesting, and therefore best, blog posts I've written.

As I drunkenly attempt to type, probably hitting the delete key more times than letter keys, I am serenaded by my idiot dog barking, and Travis and Liam re-inacting what sounds like the Spanish Inquisition in the bath tub. Oh yes, and the sound of my delete key.....doing what it does best, deleting.

I've often thought about writing more - in fact I have a lovely children's novel in the works. Albeit nothing compared with Merry Poppins, the Boxcar Children, Dr. Seuss or even (ok so I don't read so I can't think of another one...) but a silly story non-the-less. And like most projects I start, has sat unfinished for the better part of a few years....it would sound so much better to say the better part of a decade, but that would mean I started it back in the 11th grade or so (I'm not so good with math) and I'm pretty sure I was too busy trying to make people like me, avoid zits, and not get caught at underage drinking festivities to write a children's novel. And while I'm on the subject, I guess it's not really a novel, because that would imply that a parent or guardian would need to read the literary work to the child, when in fact the child him or herself could probably read it.

So the moral of the story you ask, get drunk on a Monday night and you will have interesting things to write about.

****disclaimer*****
I'm not really all that drunk, but if I pretend I am, I suddenly have things to write about...and therefore against the recommendations of most health professionals and police officers, I'm considering indulging in a few adult beverages on a more reglar basis.

15 books

2009-06-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

So Jeremiah tagged me in some 15 books blog...and I'm not going to tag anyone since I'm not linking this post to facebook, and since I don't think I could even name 15 books let alone have read 15 books by choice since like 7th grade.
So here's the ones I have read:

Dean Koontz - I don't really know specifically which ones, but I've read some and I liked em. We'll just say I've read as many as it takes me to get to 15 after I write the others...

The Pilot's Wife - had to google who it was even written by - Anita Shreve

Angels and Demons - Dan Brown

On Bullshit - Henry Frankfurt - I'd read this one over and over...partially because I like to pretend I'm smart, partially because I agree, partially because I only really understand like every other word and it need to read it that many times to understand it.

Don Quijote - and yes, in Spanish

Como Agua Para Chocolate - in Spanish

La Hija del Canibal - in Spanish

Yeah, that's all I can really think of. I'm not the literary type - I mean, I'd like to be, because usually when I get into a book - I can't put it down, I just seriously have as much time to read as I do to blog...

4 chords

2009-06-06T12:21:00.000-07:00

So when it's raining and Liam's sleeping, I find cool stuff online. Like how not "unique" any pop singers are:

yah....wow

2009-06-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

Why don't I listen to that little dude on my shoulder telling me to quit!

2009-05-23T08:19:00.001-07:00

Anyone who tells you they've never been drunk before is either boring, lying, a Mormon or combination thereof. A hangover is Mother Nature's way of telling you "Fool I told you not to drink so much. Now you gonna pay." (Don't ask me why she sounds like Mr. T.)

Via a google.com query, here are the best hangover cures:
1) Sleep
2) A smoothie with some weird enzyme powder, milk, honey, strawberries, v8, a banana, and some other stuff.
3) OJ with a raw egg....also called a bulls eye.
4) Eating starchy food like bread.
5) Sources are torn on this one...but a little hair of the dog in the form of a screwdriver, bloody mary or other juice based concoction.
6) Don't drink so much in the first place idiot.

Yah, for at least the next week I'm gonna have to stick with #6.

Random Ramblings

2009-05-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

I really have nothing interesting (at least that I consider interesting) to tell my 2 blog followers...but here's a list of things that's happened to me in the past, oh I don't know, few weeks or so. They're in no particular order because I can't remember that kind of stuff.

I got really sick, and got a steroid shot, steroid pills, antibiotics, prescription strength sinus & cough medicine, and an inhaler - which I learned have been re-formulated and re-named HFA's because some silly kids were inhaling the contents to get high instead of to relieve asthma symptoms. When I take them all together I feel how I would imagine someone who is coked out feels. And no, I do not look like the Hulk...yet.

I had a garage sale, and made like $100 bucks for basically sitting in my garage drinking while people gave me money for my old crap.

I turned 25. Upon reaching this landmark age, my car insurance premiums were reduced by $76 every 6 months. I learned this when my insurance agent called me, sang me happy birthday on the phone, and then told me she was sending me a check for $76.

I took a couple carloads of friends to the bar-n for a birthday party. Among the happenings: kosher beef, sex on the balcony, and extreme drunkenness/hungoverness (although I think that's a given). Birthday gifts included: two matching bruises on the same spot on each arm (not sure how they got there), the aforementioned really bad cold, a freaking awesome jam jar jammed (no pun intended) with $54 in $1 bills.

I'm in the process of registering for pre/post partum doula, breastfeeding counselor and birthing class instructor training. I'm hoping one of the area hospitals would have a need for someone with those certifications...or I'll need to get an SBA loan and start my own for hire practice.

And of course, it should go without saying, but for the sake on rambling on... work is nuts, getting nuttier, and making me even more nuts than I already was.

The infamous brown edge of the 13th cracker

2009-04-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

I have a slight obsession with avocados. When I have people over, I have to buy Club crackers because very few people are cool with just scooping the insides out and chowing down....they like to have just a few slices on crackers. I've always noticed (just for some reason now decided to comment on it) that every 13th cracker (this is an average...sometimes it's the 10th, a few times it's been the 16th, but who really pays that close of attention) is darker brown on the edge than the rest of the crackers.
I have a few theories on this phenomena:

1) Some crazy bastard at the Club cracker company decided to make them that way on purpose, with the sole intention of seeing if anyone would notice. He probably was planning on giving the person who noticed first some big reward, like the rights to the company because he had no heirs, or a million dollars, but since very few people have probably ever thought it was strange, no one ever told him, and he's since died, and I'm SOL.

2) The computerized machines that make and package the crackers have evolved to have minds of their own, and are doing it in some attempt to rage against the man.

3) Chuck Norris

4) The crackers are baked in large pans, each row of the pan holding about 13 crackers, so the crackers on the edges are touching the edge of the pan and therefore turn darker brown then the edges of the crackers in the middle of the pan. The fact that it's not always the 13th cracker could be explained by the fact that in the process of processing, sometimes crackers break and have to be discarded so there might not always be exactly 11 crackers between the crackers that were on the edges of the pan.
And because I'm completely deranged, here's some photo evidence (click on it to see it enlarged)

reasons you shouldn't have to work

2009-04-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

1) there's been a terrible natural disaster, eliminating the facility in which you're supposed to work.
2) it's a holiday and you work somewhere without Nazi's that make you work on holidays
3) someone flushes the toilet above your office, it subsequently leaks poo water through the ceiling, then someone comes to fix it and cuts the sewer pipes above your desk out, and poo starts falling out of the pipes, and your whole office resembles and smells like what I can only assume the inside of a sewer treatment plant looks and smells like for two days.

Yeah, number three really happened.

Robbers & Dr. Pepper

2009-04-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

This one time, a few years ago....or more like 10 or 12 years ago...my Aunt Krista (so she's not really my aunt per say, but since I really don't feel like spending the time explaining we'll just call her my aunt) sent my cousin Zac (once again, not really my cousin, and once again, I don't feel like spending the time explaining, we'll just call him my cousin) and I to the gas station for some Dr. Pepper. We took a wagon, because Krista had given us a $10 bill, and 10 or 12 years ago $10 could pretty much buy you a wagon full of Dr. Pepper and candy.
Anyway, we walked the couple of blocks to the gas station, went in, and started browsing. We noticed some strange activity going on in the connected liquor store (see, in podunk Iowa, we have one building that often houses multiple businesses - in this case a gas station, liquor store and movie rental joint). We quickly realized the store was being robbed, and (probably somewhat over dramatically) dove behind the nearest row of shelves.
I really don't remember much after that, seeing as it was 10 or 12 years ago, but I do remember Krista thinking we were full of crap....until later that night it was on the Sioux City news.
If we would have been like the 8 and 13 year-olds now-a-days, we would have had cell phones and would have been heroes for calling in the robber...but that was a time when cell phones were mostly non-existent, and the lucky few who did have them toted around 8 pound 12X4X5 rectangles of plastic and 12 inches of telescoping antenna just to have signal.
So that's the story of how I was almost famous for almost stopping a gruesome crime.

elves...gnomes....ghosts....

2009-04-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

My bathroom curtains consist of a very light weight, white/almost see-thru, perpetually wrinkled (on purpose) chiffon curtain, behind two heavy linen brown side panels.

I've recently noticed, that every time I go in to use the bathroom, that the left side of the chiffon curtain has somehow moved in front of the brown side curtain...a feat which perplexes me, as there is pretty much no way for it to move that far unless someone deliberately moves it.

I've since concluded that one of three things must be moving the chiffon curtain in front of the linen curtain - elves, gnomes, or ghosts.

Upon further observation, I've decided to rule out elves, as all the skilled elves I know are currently employed by Mr. Tom Kunkel at Kunkel Tire in Hartley, Iowa.

And wile gnomes are quite crafty little beings, it's really not an appropriate time of year for them. They seem to enjoy hanging out in gardens and other green areas, and it's still technically a bit wintry out for them.

Lastly we have ghosts...I'm not really sure on the inhabitants of my house prior to me, but I'm pretty sure the house, which was built in the 50's, is not old enough to harbor crazed tortured mental patients, horrifically murdered residents, or green puking, head spinning possessed children. There is also a significant lacking to creepy dark corners, squeaky floor boards and drafty areas that correspond with the usual haunted houses.

I pondered installing a hidden camera, but really, I guess it's not all that important, nor worth the cost of installation...

Wally World Woes

2009-03-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'll admit, although I try to do the shop locally thing, I shop at Wal Mart. I'm seriously considering changing that in lieu of my past 3 visits.

Yes, in all 3 of my past visits, I have been unpleasantly surprised.

Visit 1
Location: Spencer, Iowa
I entered the store at 13 hundred hours on a Saturday. After strictly following the predetermined shopping list, and having 1 full cart, 1 shirt with juice spilled on it, and 1 screaming almost 2 year old, I found the nearest open checkout lane. I began attempting to unload my cart, whilst attempting to keep said almost 2 year old in the cart and putting all the candy bars back into their respective boxes after said 2 year old pulled them out. After emptying nearly all of my cart, I realized the checker had yet to start scanning any of my items. I looked at her with one of those, "um, and you're waiting because" stares when she promptly replied "You put the things on my belt in the wrong order."

Up until this point in my life, I was not aware there was a wrong way to put my items on the belt. Especially because I have always been somewhat conscious of what I am purchasing, and therefore had already put like items together - and hadn't put the bread underneath the 5 pound bag of frozen chicken breasts.

So I say, "well what would you like to scan first."
And she says, "it's too late now, I'll just do it like this."
And I have no response.

Lady cashier picks up my first item, a jug of motor oil. She thoroughly inspects it, then screws the cap on as tight as she can, scans it, takes a bag off of the bag spinner thingy, wraps the oil in a bag, and places it into a second bag. Lady cashier picks up my second item, a jug of motor oil. I'm beginning to think this was a bad choice of lanes, considering I have 5 jugs of motor oil, oh yeah, and all the rest of my groceries. Slow forward to jug 4 of motor oil, lady cashier accidentally opens the jug instead of attempting to tighten the jug. Lady cashier gets a look of panic and quickly responds, "I'll go get a new one." I respond even quicker, "no, it's fine."

At this point, we are honest to goodness 8 minutes into checking out when we get to the container of blueberries I am desiring to purchase. Let's rewind a bit - in the produce section there are 3 containers of blueberries left. I look at package 1 - moldy. I look at package 2 - smashed. I look at package 3 - perfection. Back to checking out, lady cashier picks up my blueberries and says "sometimes these get moldy, I'll check to make sure..." at which point she turns the package completely upside down, without holding the top, and the blueberries subsequently spill all over the the scanner. I start picking them up, as does she, while she starts lecturing me on how if I put them in a colander and wash them when I get home they will be just fine. She scans the carton then walks away. After 3 or 4 minutes, I begin to wonder exactly what is going on, when I see her emerge from customer service, with an odd looking silver box in her hand. As she approaches, I see she has completely wrapped my entire blueberry container in duct tape.

I think at this point, it became apparent that I was not happy. Lady cashier finished scanning my things, and I swiped my credit card. The pin pad informed me to "ask cashier to press credit" and thus, I told her I was paying with credit.

Blank stare.

So I say, "it says to press credit."
And she says, "I just have to wait, it will go"
30 seconds.....45 seconds......1 minute
I say, "it still says to press credit."
And she says, "*sigh* FINE, but I work here and I know how to do this." *presses button*

*Transaction Completes*

Notice to consumers - do not, I repeat, DO NOT use the checker lane with the odd wig cashier lady!

Visit 2
Location: Spencer, Iowa
I met my parents for lunch in Spencer last Saturday afternoon. We did some shopping, and me madre and I found an open lane...and purposely skipped odd wig cashier's lane. We had a bottle of shampoo and conditioner that had a rebate form attached. As the checker scanned it, I said "I need a reprint of our receipt to send in with the rebate." We finished our transaction, and I was handed the receipt and a gift receipt - which if you haven't seen one, does not have any transaction data listed, it just says "gift receipt." I said, no I need an actual receipt to send in with a rebate.

Cashier response, "I guess I don't get what you mean."
My response, "I need you to print me another one of these *holds up receipt*"
Cashier response, "Oh, I can't do that now that I'm done with your transaction."
My response, "That's why I asked you before we paid for one."
Cashier response, *blank stare*

So, I go to customer service, shampoo bottle and receipt in hand.
Me - "I need a reprint of this receipt to send in with a rebate offer."
Customer service associate - "the checker has to do that for you."
Me - "the checker told me she couldn't do it."
Customer service associate - "well all I could do is ring it up again and give you that receipt."
Me - "but then I would be paying for it twice."
Customer service associate - "well I don't know how else to get you a second receipt."
Me - "let's start over. Hi, I'd like to return this shampoo."
Customer service associate - "ok, was there anything wrong with it?"
Me - "nope, just don't want it."
Customer service associate - "ok *refunds, gives me change*"
Me - "I'd like to buy this shampoo please, and I need two receipts for a rebate."
Customer service associate - "um, ok *rings in shampoo, prints 2 receipts*"

Note to self - screw rebates, just buy the cheap shampoo to begin with.

Visit 3
Location: Spirit Lake, Iowa
I went with my buddy Nikki to get a trampoline for her kids. Our trip is uneventful, in fact quite good with the kind help from the sporting goods associate.
Then, we go to check out (hmmm...is this a recurring theme?) We pick the line that has one couple almost done, and a guy with one item. As we get closer, we realize there's an issue with the people checking out. Inadvertently, the cashier had added $25 to their gift card instead of redeeming the $25 card. The customer service associate tells the couple the only way to fix it is to either have them pay for the extra money on the card and use it next time, or to void the entire transaction and start over. Looking at the 2 full carts they've just purchased, they go with pay for the card.

As the cashier does my stuff, I notice that he puts each item in it's own bag. One can of soup, one bra, one can of corn, one container of sour cream. I inform him that everything is fine in the same bag and proceed to move everything into one myself. He checks out Nikki and says, "I'll get some help for you to load your car." We proceed to wait for 2 young beefy lads to come help. Their conversation:

Beefy dude #1 - "wow, only $250 for a trampoline, that's cheap!"
Beefy dude #2 - "yeah, I just bought one at Menards and it was like $800"
Beefy dude #1 - "no way dude, I would have made my parents buy it."
Beefy dude #2 - "man I shoulda done that."

The beefy dudes put the trampoline in our car, and then walk away, leaving the big cart right in front of our car. I push it back in, hollering after them, "hey, where does this go?" They both turned around, then looked at each other, giggled like beefy dudes shouldn't, and kept walking.

SO, needless to say, my past few outings to Wal Mart have been, well, lacking that sorta fuzzy feeling I normally get when I save money.

Why Didn't I Think of That?

2009-03-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

1) A coin-operated self-service dog-washing machine ("self" meaning the dog's owner, not the dog) has been introduced in a half-dozen carwashes in the United States recently, at $10 for 10 minutes, according to a January report on one such franchise in Stuart, Fla. The "K9000" is a 3-foot-high, walk-in shower area (or push-in, for reluctant dogs) with an open top, has six separate wash cycles, conditioner and flea-and-tick options, and adjustable water pressure and dryer settings.

2) At Mannerspielplatz ("Men's Playground") near Kassel, Germany, testosterone-fueled office workers can get in touch with their "inner ditchdigger" (according to a January Wired magazine report) and frolic all day long on 29-ton backhoes, 32-ton front-end loaders, jackhammers and various other big, loud vehicles for an admission fee of about $280 a day. At the Men's Playground, the owner said, "We fulfill men's dreams."

3) Change We Can Believe In: In December, the city council in Brighton, Mich., passed an ordinance making it illegal for anyone to be "annoying" in public, "by word of mouth, sign or motions." Violators can be ticketed and fined.

4) The Happy Egg Company (Lincoln, England) altered the packaging in January for its six-egg cartons to include the prominent warning, "Allergy Advice: Contains Egg."

5) London's Gymbox in Bank athletic club, recognizing that lifting weights can be a boring way to exercise, introduced "human barbells" recently, hiring five men of various sizes (including two dwarfs) that customers could use for weights instead of the iron. One advantage of the humans is that, on request, they shout encouragement to the customer with each lift. The largest of the five is a 37-year-old, 340-pound man.

This post is for Jeremiah

2009-03-12T18:42:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah, here is your blog post.

I am sans new material, as I am currently basking in the sun (ok, well not as we speak since it's dark out, but I was, and will continue to tomorrow) in the state of QR on the island of Cozumel, in the country of Mexico. The next 6 days will entail much Corona, with equal amounts of ocean, sunshine, snorkeling, and food.

I was sans new material to this point because I was slaving away at work attempting to get caught up so I could spend a week doing the aforementioned fantastic things.

Just to make you feel a little better about not being here with me, I promise to do the following:

1) I promise to think about you for at least 1 second per beer I consume. In which case, you're pretty much all I'll be thinking about whilst I am here.
2) I promise to snicker a little bit as I get tan thinking about how if it were you in the sun all day, you would probably resemble a lobster.
3) I promise not to promise any carnivorous water dwelling animals seen while I am snorkeling that I'm bringing you here next time...as bait.

That Time O The Month....

2009-02-24T16:25:00.001-08:00

It's that time of the month...and no, I'm not going to indulge you in an anatomy lesson...I'm talking about when I finally am tired of walking into my kitchen and wondering "what the heck is that smell" and consequently do a deep clean to find "that smell."

This month's version is brought to you by the fridge. Upon opening the door, it took me approximately 3 seconds less than it did Britney to go crazy to realize it was the hot spot. Among my prizes:

2 Debbie Meyer's Green Bags, one with a brownish slimy green pepper half, the other with contents unknown.

1 small round tupperware, with pink and black corn. (for clarification, this is not like one of those Dr. Seuss Green Eggs and Ham things, no, it was simply moldy enough to not be yellow any more.)

1 medium round tupperware, with mixed slimes and molds..uh, I mean mixed veggies.

1 medium round tupperware, with mango salsa prepared on January 4 . I know this because I took a picture and put it on facebook. I'm guessing if I put a picture of what I threw away on facebook it would be flagged for inappropriate content.

1 square take & toss, with the remains of a salad I took to work, oh maybe 3 weeks ago.

1 small square tupperware, sans lid, with asparagus that most closely resembled weeds after they've had a drink of Round-Up.

1 Ziplock bag, the contents of which would have baffled even forensic science.

1 bag of shredded carrots, slime, and some blue things.

1 plastic store container of bean sprouts (at least that's what they were when I bought them).

And my favorite find, one bottle of Amaretto. A classic that luckily for me, never goes bad.

Alas, my kitchen no longer has any indiscernible odors.

love/hate relationship with American Idol

2009-02-19T10:32:00.000-08:00

I really love watching people suck on American Idol. I cringe and want to crawl out of my skin but can't stop. I also really love watching people kick ass. I want to go stand in line for 80 bajillion hours and try out myself.

I really hate all the mumbo jumbo inbetween the people singing. I wish they would show more people singing instead. I also hate it when stupid annoying people make it through....like Tatiana hahhaa, maahhhahha, hhahhahahhhahaha, ohhhahahhahhaha. shut. up. Or Bikini Girl. Want to know why she made it...New research shows that, in men, the brain areas associated with handling tools and the intention to perform actions light up when viewing images of women in bikinis. Read the whole story here.

I really love Simon. He's honest. I don't always agree with him, but he's not afraid to say what he thinks. Of course he's getting paid a butt-load to say most of it, but still. Paula, she's too nice. And I listened to some of her music. And I don't think she's really that good. She can dance, I'll give her that.

Things that are ANNOYING

2009-02-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

Maybe I am just a bitch, but I find myself increasingly annoyed by well, lots of things.

1) When people are using the microwave, and then stop it with 1 second left. One second is not going to overcook your food. Or infiltrate it with any more toxic microwaves than the food has already been subjected to. If you do not like the beep, at least push clear or stop so you can see the time again. I hate it when it is 1 second o'clock.

2) When people act like their car is so flipping nice that they must take up more than one parking space. You are not cool. I want to key your car just because you think you are cool and took up two spots. In fact, your car is in more danger of being damaged by me than it would have been had you parked normal and heaven forbid someone park in the space next to you. I also do not like it when people do park in just one space, but are too stupid to realize that the lines are meant to be a guide for where to park, and instead they park 1/2 way out into the driving lane, or 1/2 way into the opposite side of the parking aisle.

3) When someone disregards an idea I have, but ten seconds later is either:
a) Exclaiming how they have come up with the best idea and completely reiterate
everything I just said.
OR
b) Telling me how they heard the idea from another person and it is the best thing since
sliced bread and proceed to tell me about the idea like I have never heard of it.

4) When drivers fail to use a turn signal. I am always the one stuck at a corner trying to turn, and if the oncoming person would have spend all of the .0000000000001 of a second it takes to push the little lever up or down I could have avoided waiting for the next 67 cars to turn and get where I was going.

5) People who do not eat. Or who eat only one bowl of oatmeal and that is all they need for the whole day. Or who can make a dish and eat the same thing for 5 days in a row.

6) In reference to #5, leftovers. Yuck. There are very few foods I am cool with eating after they have developed a slimy film and have become soggy from sitting in my fridge over night. They include:
Pizza
Lasagna
Mixed Veggies (the kind you buy in a bag frozen)
Turkey
Mashed Potatoes
Goulash (and only Krista's recipe)
Everything else, no way.

7) Barney. A large awkward purple dinosaur that sings songs, does magic things...creepy. Equally creepy - the over joyous children who talk to Barney, hug Barney, play along with the deluded idea that he is real or even fun for that matter.

8) Customer service representatives who spend 25 minutes of my valuable time, only to tell me they are unable to solve my problem and must send me to someone higher up, at which point I spend an additional 25 minutes telling that person what I already told the first person.

9) People who forward e-mails that are obviously ridiculous - you will not get $10 for each person you forward it to, you will not have 87 years of bad luck if you do not send it to 22 people in the next 8 minutes, an image of your true love will not show up on the screen if you forward it to 18 people and then after 4 minutes press Ctrl Shift ~928, Tom Cruise did not start this petition and President Obama will not give every person who signs it $1,500 if 1 million people put their names on it and forward it to 20 of their friends. Stop the chain of stupidity, please people.

I am getting mad, so I am done for now.

I Miss Your Face.

2009-02-04T06:14:00.000-08:00

This poem is dedicated to my dear friend Reza Alexander Kazerani. I miss him dearly.
And no, he didn't die, even though that first couple of sentances makes it sound like he did. He just lives 6 hours away and is one busy dude, sorta like myself, except I'm not a dude, and thus we do not get to mingle like we used to.

Buffalo Wild Wings
And sushi and ice cream
Inappropriate behavior in the walk-in
Bosses are supposed to be bossy
But not me, especially not to you
Swapping for Panchero's
Oh how I miss queso
Rewinding the cameras to watch someone fall
Saving receipts for crazy black cherry lady
Re-dating cakes
Not clocking out on breaks
We never used the red book
Instead we used facebook
I never did anything illegal
Except maybe mojitos
Cameron tried to rip out his down there hair
Blueberry Muffin Batter was Travis's idea
And I'm still singing those damn songs

Guilty Pleasures

2009-02-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

Guilty Pleasure #1

Smarties Bubble Gum. They're sweet, a bit crumbly when you first put them in your mouth, and downright good. I don't actually chew the gum, I eat them one at a time so there's really not enough gum to chew it. I also sort them out and eat them in color order. It's not always the same order...sometimes I start with whichever color has the most, sometimes whichever color has the least. Sometimes I eat them based on my mood, saving the 'happy' ones for last so that I'm happy when I'm done. Although the taste alone is enough to put me in a dandy mood. (Side note: today was actually the first time I've ever had Smarties Bubble Gum, but they were so enjoyable I decided to make them a regular guilty pleasure)

Guilty Pleasure #2

Cleaning carpets, upholstery and the like. I especially enjoy it when there's a spot and I can see the brown gunky water being sucked back up into the hose leaving a fresh, clean non-spotted floor or couch behind. For clarification, I do NOT enjoy cleaning without the aid of an appliance designed for such cleaning. I also have an infatuation with the infomercial actors who get to soak up 8 X's the magic shammy's weight in spilled soda pop. Of the infomercial actors who I do not have an infatuation with - Billy Mays.

Guilty Pleasure #3

Hating Billy Mays. You may wonder "Why does she hate Billy Mays? He is the best thing to happen to infomercials since the Ginsu Knife." Well let me tell you why I hate Mr. Billy. Not only does he share the first name of our 42nd president who did NOT have sexual relations with that woman, but he yells at me every time I see him. He is a Nazi. Whenever someone trips and manages to get not only coffee but some of the ketchup and mustard from the hot dog they're holding on my white blouse, Billy has to go bonkers ripping off my shirt and washing it by hand in a clear magic powered washing machine and yell about how OxiClean can "TACKLE OVER 101 STAINS. WITH OXICLEAN, STAIN FIGHTING IS MADE EASY!" Just the other day, I thought a band of ninjas threw a grenade into my living room after hearing a loud "KABOOM!" Come to find out, it was just Billy criticising my dirty bathroom. Luckily for me, KABOOM is "TOUGH ON GRIME, EASY ON YOU! JUST ONE CUPFULL AND KABOOM - THE STAINS, RUST, LIME SCALE AND HARD WATER BUILD UP ARE GONE!" Billy, I know my bathroom isn't spotless, but you don't have to yell at me. I try the best I can. Here's a fun game - record the next Billy Mays sponsored advertisement on your DVR, then play it back in slow motion. It's like looking at one of those charts in the doctor's office for little kids and/or non-English speaking patients to rate how they're feeling.

You can't deny it folks, Billy Mays is just downright mean and creepy. If that's not enough, there's the final blow. An ad he did for ESPN360. I am at a loss for words. That poor little girl.

Guilty Pleasure #4

Jason Mraz. He is not pretty. But boy can he sing. I like to pretend I'm dating him. And he sings to me. And we're happy. Yes Jason, I'm Yours.

I also enjoy reminiscing about how we met while listening to The Remedy, You and I Both, and Wordplay.

Guilty Pleasure #5

Thinking about all my guilty pleasures at once. Jason is singing to me, while I eat Smarties Gum and clean our carpets, when all of a sudden Billy busts in yelling at me how I could get those stains out quicker if I were using OxiClean and Jason throws his grammy at him knocking Senior Billy off the balcony into the ocean where he's washed away never to be seen again. The end.

Mucuous Monster

2009-02-03T07:12:00.000-08:00

So I'm sick...and I have been since like last Monday. Not yesterday, but 8 days ago Monday. I have no idea where I caught this nasty cold, but it is lingering on - sort of like Celine Dion - it's flippin old by now, just go away.

To top it all off, I find myself in a sans facial tissue dilemma. I could use toilet paper, but then my already sore from blowing it every three seconds nose would become even more sore, and perhaps become so chaffed it gets scabby. I could just let my nose run and look like the wierd frog kid from Carpool in the scene where a huge snot bubble comes out his nose.

I could go home and grab a box of Kleenex, but if I'm gone when the ole boss lady gets back from her meeting, I'll probably have to face the music for leaving the office unattended.

So instead, I am reusing each used tissue as many times as I can without smearing the previously expelled mucuous all over my hands and face.

Maybe, however, this is not the real problem. The real problem is that no matter how much of the NyQuil or DayQuil I take, I still have a stuffed/runny nose, headache, and cough. I've come up with a coctail of swallowing the pills using the liquid version. I'm pretty sure I have about 8 times the legal limit in me right now. And I'm pretty sure I feel like my head is floating about 3 feet above my body - yet I still can't breathe. So much for $8 and the 15 minutes I spend filling out the forms at the HyVee pharmacy so I could get the meds without being suspected for making meth.

While I'm at it....I also can't taste anything. I could look at this as a good diet plan I suppose...but I'm just plain po'd. I like food and not being able to enjoy how it tastes sucks like a Hoover.

Crap. Now I feel guilty for complaining because it's the 50th anniversary of the day the music died. Someone always has it worse when I want to complain.

Happy Mediums

2009-02-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people I am required to deal with and I do not see things in the same light...we're not on the same page...we don't see eye to eye. But since I'm a kindred soul, I make whole hearted attempts to meet them in the middle...go halfsies....find a happy medium.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working and I end up with the shaft.

Due to my unsuccessful attempts at "working it out", I spend most of my waking hours either:
A) devising an evil (or not so evil) plan for my escape
B) convincing myself it could be worse
C) sulking and wallowing in self pity

I have come up with a number of feasible and not-so-feasible not evil/semi-evil/evil plans including:
A) quit and go back to school
B) find a new job
C) nerve up and play hardball

Ok, so none of them are evil. Or even semi-evil for that matter. But I'm working on it.
The problem is they all have a catch:
A) if Travis gets a job with benefits
B) I live in NW Iowa, there's lots of recent layoffs, and a general lack of positions paying close to what I currently make
C) I risk getting treated worse, or fired

My hubby says I should use the anger I've pent up as motivation to exercise (well, he actually said "get pissed and run"), however the thought of working out is almost as bad as the situation to begin with, so his advice remains unutilized.

Thus, I have taken the advice of a renowned scholar and started a blog.