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Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasure #1



Smarties Bubble Gum. They're sweet, a bit crumbly when you first put them in your mouth, and downright good. I don't actually chew the gum, I eat them one at a time so there's really not enough gum to chew it. I also sort them out and eat them in color order. It's not always the same order...sometimes I start with whichever color has the most, sometimes whichever color has the least. Sometimes I eat them based on my mood, saving the 'happy' ones for last so that I'm happy when I'm done. Although the taste alone is enough to put me in a dandy mood. (Side note: today was actually the first time I've ever had Smarties Bubble Gum, but they were so enjoyable I decided to make them a regular guilty pleasure)


Guilty Pleasure #2


Cleaning carpets, upholstery and the like. I especially enjoy it when there's a spot and I can see the brown gunky water being sucked back up into the hose leaving a fresh, clean non-spotted floor or couch behind. For clarification, I do NOT enjoy cleaning without the aid of an appliance designed for such cleaning. I also have an infatuation with the infomercial actors who get to soak up 8 X's the magic shammy's weight in spilled soda pop. Of the infomercial actors who I do not have an infatuation with - Billy Mays.
Guilty Pleasure #3

Hating Billy Mays. You may wonder "Why does she hate Billy Mays? He is the best thing to happen to infomercials since the Ginsu Knife." Well let me tell you why I hate Mr. Billy. Not only does he share the first name of our 42nd president who did NOT have sexual relations with that woman, but he yells at me every time I see him. He is a Nazi. Whenever someone trips and manages to get not only coffee but some of the ketchup and mustard from the hot dog they're holding on my white blouse, Billy has to go bonkers ripping off my shirt and washing it by hand in a clear magic powered washing machine and yell about how OxiClean can "TACKLE OVER 101 STAINS. WITH OXICLEAN, STAIN FIGHTING IS MADE EASY!" Just the other day, I thought a band of ninjas threw a grenade into my living room after hearing a loud "KABOOM!" Come to find out, it was just Billy criticising my dirty bathroom. Luckily for me, KABOOM is "TOUGH ON GRIME, EASY ON YOU! JUST ONE CUPFULL AND KABOOM - THE STAINS, RUST, LIME SCALE AND HARD WATER BUILD UP ARE GONE!" Billy, I know my bathroom isn't spotless, but you don't have to yell at me. I try the best I can. Here's a fun game - record the next Billy Mays sponsored advertisement on your DVR, then play it back in slow motion. It's like looking at one of those charts in the doctor's office for little kids and/or non-English speaking patients to rate how they're feeling.
You can't deny it folks, Billy Mays is just downright mean and creepy. If that's not enough, there's the final blow. An ad he did for ESPN360. I am at a loss for words. That poor little girl.

Guilty Pleasure #4


Jason Mraz. He is not pretty. But boy can he sing. I like to pretend I'm dating him. And he sings to me. And we're happy. Yes Jason, I'm Yours.
I also enjoy reminiscing about how we met while listening to The Remedy, You and I Both, and Wordplay.





Guilty Pleasure #5

Thinking about all my guilty pleasures at once. Jason is singing to me, while I eat Smarties Gum and clean our carpets, when all of a sudden Billy busts in yelling at me how I could get those stains out quicker if I were using OxiClean and Jason throws his grammy at him knocking Senior Billy off the balcony into the ocean where he's washed away never to be seen again. The end.









Comments

  1. I'm not gonna lie...I have every intention of killing Billy Mays.

    At which point, I believe the only appropriate way to thank me is for you to finally admit to Travis that Liam is my child.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haha. Billy Mays needs to die.

    ReplyDelete

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